During a Zombie Apocalypse a bike seems like the perfect getaway ride. Except for the rear cassette, it’s way more quiet than a car or motorcycle and it can’t run out of gas. But then, of course, you can. Yeah, Rick used one when he first awoke from the hospital. It made sense then, he was wounded, by himself and walking would have hurt. That was it.
So, I thought through all the benefits of cycling and came to the conclusion that there’s no way that bikes would ever be good enough for the Zombie Apocalypse. And here’s my top 5 reasons why.
They would have to call it The Cycling Dead
So, face it, tell me the truth, if someone gave you the option of walking 60 miles or biking 60 miles what would you choose? I know what MY choice would be. So, no, the title is The Walking Dead cause the dead don’t cycle.
Cyclists can be too relaxed
This could definitely work against any cyclist. Cycling’s like meditation. You’re riding along in your zone and Wham! out pops a car! Uh, I mean, a zombie! Well, on second thought maybe cyclists do pretty good being relaxed and quickly avoiding calamity.
Too many cars will be in the way
What?! Why couldn’t those people just leave their cars at home during an apocalypse? Cyclists are well aware of the need to avoid cars and this gets no more important when you have to run the labyrinth of cars while avoiding zombies stuck under the cars.
There will be too much debris on the road
Don’t you remember, everybody is GONE! Or at least most of them. So there’s no city services to clean the streets. If you think the roads are bad now just wait! What’s a newly avid cyclist like you to do, carry a hundred pounds of bike tubes? Only if you want a zombie sneaking up on you while your changing your tire. It’s just ain’t gonna happen.
Once you’re a Zombie you travel in groups
We all know that zombies are attracted by sound. When they hear something they move in that direction. Given enough time you can have thousands meandering the streets. Out in the vast countryside cycling to your heart’s content, having a great time, meditating. While the cardio vascular benefits of cycling are so well documented everybody knows that just as soon as you get comfortable on that long luxurious ride you might just turn the corner and head smack dab in the middle of a zombie herd. If you can’t turn around fast enough you’ll be stuck with nowhere to go. Wait, isn’t that’s what it’s like to be in the middle of campus at UNC?
I don’t think you’ll be seeing any more bikes on The Walking Dead anytime soon. I hope that I don’t have to eat my fleshy words but to me it just wouldn’t make sense.